i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
