Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
