haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
