Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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