I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize