I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
