I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
