I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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