I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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