I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
