i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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