I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
