Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
