I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
