My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
