if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
