If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
