I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
