I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
