He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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