the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
