Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
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she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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