I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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