How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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