just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
