Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
