Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
