if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
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there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
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We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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