New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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