he shaved USA in his pubs
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
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If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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