My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
