i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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