Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
