He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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