I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
