omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
