If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You pole danced in your parka.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
