best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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