Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
