Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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