1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
