a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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