Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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