I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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