I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
