I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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