oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
