I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
