why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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