I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
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I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
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I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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