Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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