I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
