the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
