Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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