at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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